The last 7 years has been unlearning the cultural influences and constructs that kept me from digging deeper into my incessant addictive behaviors. For me, I knew that healing was getting to the core of every little thing that I did that was distract myself from myself.
Prior to the last 7 years, I spent two decades, in a revolving door in the world of addiction recovery. I've "worked" countless 12-step programs - Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, you name it. I've attended therapy sessions, outpatient programs, and family support groups. I've exhausted every resource my community had to offer for mental health and dependency services. And yet, despite my best efforts, I found myself stuck in a never-ending cycle of relapse and despair.
I remember sitting in those 12-step meetings, feeling like a failure. I had worked the steps, I had shared my struggles, and yet I still couldn't seem to break free from the grip of addiction. It was disheartening and demoralizing. The message I received from these programs was always the same - if I relapsed, it was because "I hadn't worked the steps hard enough, called my sponsor enough or attend enough meetings". But deep down, I knew there was something more to my story. I knew that there was a missing piece, a crucial element that hadn't been addressed in all the services I had received.
I spent countless nights questioning myself, wondering how to stop the endless cycles. I knew there had to be a reason behind my actions, something deeper than just lack of surrendering enough, I yearned for insights, for a greater understanding of what truly shaped me.
And so, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery or more so the depths of this journey chose me and I delved into the realms of holistic healing, psychology, neuroscience, and personal development. I devoured books, attended workshops, healing sessions, energy clearings and different spiritual mentors who could guide me on this path of unraveling the complexities of trauma and the abandonment wound I felt within all areas of my life.
It wasn't an easy journey. There were moments of frustration and doubt, times when I felt like giving up. But, I knew there was a different hope in this path, something within me knew that this was different that I was getting to the root of the narrative. I was on a mission, and feel that the mission chose me, as if everything began to make so much sense
What I discovered along the way was a profound shift in perspective. I realized that addiction is not solely a matter of willpower or a lack thereof. It is a multifaceted issue that encompasses biological, psychological, and social factors. It is a complex interplay of genetics, trauma, coping mechanisms, and societal influences. Along with massive spiritual insights, I acknowledge that for me, connecting to a Loving Universal Energy, allowed me to rewrite the mental constructs that prohibited the beliefs that were taught in all rooms that I Was in before.
I began to approach life from a different angle. I embraced a holistic approach that addressed not only the symptoms of addiction but also the underlying causes.
I began to heal myself and relearn how to reparent myself which allowed me to delve into my past traumas, helping me heal the wounds that had fueled my destructive behaviors. I explored alternative modalities such as reiki, past life regression, crystal healing, mindfulness, meditation, tarot, astroogy and gene keys. All which allowed me to see the behaviors were merely just that- behaviors- I no longer identified with the labels I once put on myself and saw that the actions were not "me" but a way that i created to allow for an illusion of connection- I began to see that the connection to myself and to everything around me was what I continued to push away while I sought externally- I began fully living.
I began to have compassion for the past me and the people who I once saw as the people who "wronged me".
I began feeling free.
I began seeing the innate Love within all
I began to see the untruths and began owning my truth.
Today I am here, as someone who has experienced the full spectrum of experiences and felt like a lost cause at one point.
If you are feeling that way- know that there IS a purpose behind this, espesially when you may not be able to see it right now.
If you resonate and want to begin to change perspectives- I am here when you are ready.