When I was 11 years old we moved across the country from one state to another, city to country. To say I didn’t fit in was an understatement. I was an outcast at my new school. I had dealt with this all through elementary school, I had braces…I played sports so my feet smelled. I got all the hand-me-down clothes from my sisters, so nothing I wore matched. All things I got made fun of for. I got out of that when I got to middle school. I tried to fit in wore certain clothes, got my braces off. Then I moved and the ridicule started all over again. We traveled back every winter and summer to see our family, I was so excited “to be cool” to fit in again. My sister was cool and I didn’t know why everyone liked her so much more then me. Especially the boys.
But then again do I even like boys or girls, or both?
I decided that everyone else was flirting, so why shouldn’t I. I sat on this boys lap, kissed him, went to the closet with him.
I just wanted to fit in….and now I’m inside a closet with him by myself and I’m scared.
I don’t think this is what I want anymore.
We kiss, that’s not even what I want
but I just want to please him at this point.
Apparently he wanted to please me too.
Even though I told him stop. No. I’m not ready.
He decided to put my hand in his pants and use his belt to hold my arm in there.
When we came out of the closet everyone cheered us on. He got all this praise, even though he just sexually molested me in that closet.
That was the first time my voice was stolen.
I didn’t tell anyone except my best friend. Who also said it was my fault for leading him on. I stopped telling people my problems, i didn’t feel heard. I bottled them up instead that’s what my family taught me.
Then I hit the bottle instead. I make sure to tell this girl I love her now, I give her a hug and tell her I hear her. I give her that safe place. I break that agreement with myself.
I start to remove the hand covering my mouth and the one strangling me, and I share here.
I can now be heard by others. Rather then just all the intrusive, infuriating ones in my mind sometimes.
Here we shall heal together.
From an Anonymous Heart
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