My daughter made this poster for me for mothers day 2 years ago and it prompted this deep inflection (lookin inward and reflecting) And I felt guide to share the Musings here. I love you all so much
and no matter where at your journey- you ARE DIVINE PERFECTION
Are you here to heal generational trauma and curses?
Do you find yourself acutely aware of how your upbringing affects your actions?
Have you been through many traumas from birth on?
You are seeing how you can heal and make different choices from your parents, their parents, and their parents.
This is me - this is why I am bold about healing out loud because the past needs to be looked at to heal the now. Removing drugs and alcohol did not mean I healed my traumas. The 12 steps are not meant to heal trauma and generational wounds; they are there to help remove you from the active cycle and put time in between choices. There is more for healing traumas.
No, you do not just "move on" from traumas. No, you cannot just get over it. No, there is no quick fix - in fact, it is probably more than you are aware of.
Here is the thing - I made THE SAME CHOICES in relationships, despite not using drugs and alcohol - yet it still led me to the same exact spot.
Bold Statement: Most people who have suffered addictions, have witnessed addiction in the family, have witnessed abuse in their household. Most people who have dealt with these issues have a substantial dependency on others and relationships - removing substances only allows for a clear head to start addressing the healing work - which goes beyond just your actions, goes beyond when you started using, goes beyond just your life scope. There are layers upon layers to unbecome when you come from layers of the shit.
You don't know how to live without dependency;
you don't know how to navigate the world without heightened emotions;
you aren't actually aware that there is more to life than just what you are experiencing.
I had my son at 24, which revealed that I had trauma that I was unaware of. Becoming aware of it and not using drugs or alcohol didn't mean that I didn't experience or create trauma for myself or others. I did - and in fact, I would say it got worse because I was SO sensitive and was with someone who was also extremely new in recovery. We were a shit show - no drugs and alcohol and probably more toxic than before.
Looking back, I was healing - just not in a way that was linear whatsoever. We found out we were pregnant with my daughter when I was 27 - right after my ex's 2nd time in inpatient. After she was born, I spiraled into a few years of using and lying and in a psychosis.
I look back and I still cringe - knowing what I know now about how much the baby takes on whatever the Mom is going through, how the Mom's Nervous System and how she handles stress are passed on to the makings of the child. I know I was in HEIGHTENED stress with both pregnancies. I found out about an affair while timing contractions going into labor with my son - and with my daughter, I was on bed rest the majority of the pregnancy because I was high-risk pregnancy - PLUS dealing with the healing work of betrayal from the past.
My kids, despite me making HUGE amounts of healing and parenting from a conscious perspective and unconditionally loving input vs. conditionally loving, they were absolutely subjected to some of the biggest traumas of my life.
I cannot redo those things, and I accept and absolutely feel that they chose me as their Mom for their highest Soul Evolution. I know that this is part of their journey as it is mine. I AM, however, making and being 180 different than anything or anyone I have met in parenting, in hope that I can at least show them how I am here NO MATTER THE EXPERIENCE.
I have healed the relationship aspect to myself, meaning the connection to GOD (creator of all that is). And healing myself, the bond I have and AM with my kids is truly remarkable.
I have stopped making reactive choices. I have stopped parenting from a place of "me." I have learned to nurture my inner child so I can actually nurture my children. I have reparented myself so I can be a present parent to them.
I am full in strength in myself, so my kids can have the space for trial and error without me being upset.
Healing generational trauma, even if you don't have kids, is healing humanity tenfold.
This is what society is experiencing in this Now - is the trauma of separation or the separation of trauma between source and Self. We have been in Survival Mode, and this is coming forward in a big way. In my many deaths, what I have learned on repeat is that things fall apart in order to be rebuilt properly.
When we learn to rebuild from the inside and allow the old ways of being in the world to die, we can build stronger. Holding together something that is trying to fall apart doesn't help anything stay together; it only takes energy away from you and what else you could be creating.
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