I paint to express emotions that I have a hard time deciphering. Most of the time I don't know why I paint what I paint; I just trust the process of the creation.
Over the past year, "eyes" have been a predominant theme in my creation, whether that be on digital creations for websites or paintings — the idea of "vision" and sight has been at play.
I was struck with profound vision this morning and went to this painting that I started three months ago — at the time, I had no idea why this painting was coming together this way, until now. My subconscious is always sharing with me in ways that I may not fully be able to understand yet, but it is indeed sharing.
As I went to paint, I was awestruck at what my past creation in this painting was telling me. I have been unknowingly, willingly seeing things in a relationship that has kept me in limbo for over a year. I wanted this relationship that I have had for almost 18 years to be something different than it was.
I have self-sacrificed in the name of keeping together a dream of a family. I have self-sacrificed in the name of hoping things would change. I had willingly seen the hurt of the person and validated that over my own. I had always told myself that it would get better year after year, plus 15 years — while some of the dynamics have changed, the core has not; it has all been a power play and self-serving, for both sides.
Me willingly and continually going into a relationship that I know the other person has not done "the work" that is required for a healed and conscious relationship is dishonoring myself and self-serving for comfort.
I have chosen the perceived comfort of this man (that has only ever given betrayal) in attempts to run from the fear of the unknown of my own issues.
The painting shows the illusion being set free. The eye, although unfinished, has a story that is being illuminated; the tears are of intricately placed designs that appear to be all pouring off the side; below is a sea of yellow, representing heart expression, and green, representative of heart chakra; above is purple and magenta, which represents "third eye" knowing and crown chakra, the inner knowing coming from a higher perspective.
I was just drawn to these colors and drawn to the doodles, and today I see what my insight was sharing with me: that I would be seeing clearly and no longer masking and running away from the little lies that I have told myself about this relationship, in particular. That eventually, it would all come out, and that I am surrounded and supported by Love and Spirit.
I know that this is just the beginning of breaking free of an illusion that has served me for 18 years, and there are tons of undoing to be done, and I am grateful that I now feel safe in my body to begin to actually look at what is "truth" and what is "untruth."
And yes, my continued posts will be aiming to uncover these relationship dynamics.