Relationships.
What was the first thing you thought of with that word?
I am sure that it was a romantic type of relationship. As that is the most natural response, we are in constant relation to everything, and I want to explore how these relationships have evolved over time.
About 7 years ago, I began looking at my romantic relationships and how I was participating in them – mainly how I was continuing to abandon myself for the sake of the relationship. What I began to see was that I was never shown what a “symbiotic relationship” was. Most importantly, I was never taught how to know and love myself first before entering a relationship. It was always about conforming and allowing my values to be pushed aside for the idea of “potential.”
I have an inkling that this is true for the majority of people – the divorce rates show that something is definitely amiss within how we connect with others. No, it is not because “there are no good men or women,” but because (hear me out) we have never been with ourselves first. I know that sounds ridiculous, and I really didn't understand this until I did it. Until I was single, like very single, with no entertainment of another person in my vision. I didn't know what “the other side” felt like until I experienced it, and now, I get it. Once I was able to look at my dating life, I was able to look at how I was showing up in other relationships. Because I gave most of myself in one type of relationship, I probably showed this in other areas of my life as well.
I started to look at a few different things. First, marriage – how did it go from trading daughters for land to the idea of “happily ever after” or “the one?” And also, why have I been so hell-bent on a ring when it in no way indicates commitment level? It is just a ring, and marriage is just a certificate for tax and health insurance purposes.
So the idea of commitment came up, and I began to look at this in its entirety. I see (in my perspective) that our society is a codependent society. We are more committed to other people's opinions and viewpoints than trusting ourselves and our inner guidance. How did we get here though?
So many layers. Bringing it back (like I do in my book, "Blueprint to the Heart: Sovereign Healing Journey"https://www.heartactivation.net/book), I go into what commitment and marriage meant back in the WWII era.
Having a marriage then not only gave a sense of stability while at war but also gave the family health benefits. The woman (per patriarchal living) was at home with the kids and needed a connection with the neighbors – and how those connections were made was through surviving those times together. So the commitment was more about keeping the family together during periods of deployment.
Back then, a tribe and feeling a part of something was the glue that kept people sane during very tumultuous times. Friends were the sanity check for most, and this is where a lot of codependent relationships (of all kinds) began to stem.
Friends' viewpoints became an all-the-time occurrence and started to be the source of “happiness,” even if we weren't necessarily happy while around these people. Society began to build on the emphasis of “being a part of” and having connections – but how people were connecting was more about trauma bonding, and that plays out in a lot of relationships today.
I know for myself, I always asked these questions:
"How do you think this looks?"
"What do you think about this (insert accessory)?"
"My hair?"
"The person I was dating?"
"The job I was getting or not getting?"
I was checking in to see if I was approved on all levels – materialistically, emotionally, and as a “person.” People's validation and their opinion became what I was seeking rather than really building a sense of self.
Let's go to the places that scare us – most people don't want to be alone, and right there is a cause for unstable relationships.
Who am I without dating anyone?
Who am I without any friends?
Who am I without any type of external validation for months on end?
Who am I without asking others anything about any of the choices I make?
I went to all the places I ran from and began to see that I was actually unaware of the core of how I operated in all relationships. Face it, we all have “failed relationships.” It's a part of life. But let me offer a different perspective: all of those “failed relationships” were actually pointing to a truer version of you. They are not failures, but rather just a way to understand where you need to look closer within yourself. I have found that I kept resisting, continuously, looking at the constant in all relationships – ME.
I didn't want to go through those painful experiences, and so I knew I needed to get to the core of why I was drawn to the dynamics in the relationship in the first place. It is only because “we were taught” that commitments are more important than what we actually feel, and definitely more important than what we actually want, that we have continued this cycle of codependency.My invitation for you is to examine how you have been more committed to the commitment than you have been to yourself. Explore why the commitment (in any area of life) is more important than YOU. Why do you feel you keep abandoning yourself? What would be so bad about breaking all the commitments you didn't want to uphold, if it meant that it would align you to a life of feeling authentic to you and allow more opportunity to create fulfillment? It sounds wild, i get it- but isn't it more wild that we willingly sacrifice ourself, for the sake of not letting someone (or many) down?
really take a look at that(if you feel guided of course). feel into it. allow for that to be a new point of awareness.
With this new point of awareness allow for yourself to begin saying "no" to the things that you want to say no to, and "yes" to the things that excite you. (if you though of work as something to say no to, why are you working at a place that you don't want to go into?)
These could really shake up some new insights so be kind to you and as always, honor your process and know, that no matter where you are at you are in the space that allows for your evolution.
In love,
Elaine