I want to share an incident, really, because it is something I don't discuss with anyone except my husband, and that makes it a little difficult, because he's the one involved.
I don't know if this is a place where we are expected to put trigger warnings on things?
I guess I figured that as a given, being it's an anonymous forum for healing. We are one another's second marriage, and we will have our fifth anniversary in a week. To give you some background, he is at least two decades my senior, he was my high school teacher and the father of a close (now former) friend of mine. I know this all sounds incredibly unhealthy, but you'd need to know the spiritual side to all of this to understand. I went through all the, "Oh my God, no. This cannot happen! I can't even think about it. I don't even want a relationship now, and if I did, it could never be you."
That all changed when I was visited by his deceased wife. We know we were together in previous lives. Not always a couple, per se, but close relationships. He was the first man I was able to feel safe enough to have a meltdown in front of and allow him to comfort me.
Our relationship was being built on respect and trust.
He said he would always respect my boundaries. But I told him that it could take years before I would know if his actions would truly match his words. He said, "I got nothin' but time." I gave him very clear boundaries, and told him that certains things triggered certain responses in me. Growing up, I didn't even understand that there was a thing as boundaries. I didn't understand there was a thing as saying no. I just let things happen because I didn't know what else to do. I would have a sick feeling, but I just figured it was something I got through until the next moment. I'm pretty sure I blocked a lot of things out.
The deep love I was feeling from my husband was more real than anything I've ever known, so though I claimed to never trust anyone a hundred percent, and absolutely not men, I'd found a remnant of faith inside me for him that I didn't know was there. So, when within the first year of our marriage, he crossed the worst boundary he possibly could have crossed - the one he swore would never happen to me again as long as he was around - I froze, just as I told him I would. I had no voice. And neither did he speak as he did it. He didn't ask, he didn't acknowledge, he just did.
I was paralyzed.
It can't be him.
How can this be him?
It's not him.
He said he would never.
I felt my soul splitting in half and part of it abandon me. What part? I don't know. I just came up with that this moment. Maybe the part that said we would leave him if he ever did this. Maybe the part of me that was disappointed in the part of me that was too weak to tell him to get off me. Maybe the part of me that still had a piece of trust left. Maybe all of the above.
I want to continue this story, but I feel I need to take a break.
Thank you.
An Anonymous Heart 🤍
Dear Anonymous Heart,
I wanted to take some time to feel into your experience and to allow spirit to move me to words- Here I am replying as the peron behind the curtain and someone who can also relate to this experience. I want to say Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable experience and allowing people to see your hurt. You are brave and strong. How have you nurtured yourSelf through this? How else have you been expressing your emotions? I also wonder, have you attempted to talk to your husband about this afterwards? The amount of betrayl is so high- I can imagine that resentment would start to leak into all areasof life- I know for me, I began to have so much fury towards my partner at that time, which is TOTALLY natural. I am sure this is scary to talk to other people, because "he is your husband" and unspoken belief is that you cant be raped by your partner- We are here for you Dear One- You are not alone.
Sending Hugs and LOVE