Self-Understanding in Relationships: A Portal To Empowerment

I never wanted to be a single mom. That fear alone kept me in a relationship that had long expired. The deep-seated fear of abandonment, the belief that security only existed inside a relationship—these kept me locked in a cycle of self-betrayal. I abandoned myself at nearly every turn, subconsciously and consciously controlling the dynamics so I was never left.

I didn’t realize how deeply ingrained my relationship patterns were until I finally learned how to love being single. I had reached the same realization time and time again—I was the common denominator in my relationships. And I was exhausted. Exhausted from living in relationships from my hurt self, hurting others and myself in the process. If I wanted to truly shift the way I operated, I had to go beyond simply changing my behavior—I had to heal the core of my choices.

Because if behavior alone could change everything, I would have done it already.

So the real question became: How do I unlearn the relationships I was taught? How do I bring to the surface the unspoken values I inherited and rewrite them into something true?

Let’s take a deep dive.

How Relationships Were Modeled for Us

Our understanding of relationships doesn’t come from what we were explicitly taught—it comes from what we witnessed. The blueprint is set in the way our caregivers navigated love, conflict, and emotional intimacy.

For me, I grew up in a unique environment. I didn’t meet my biological father until I was 24. Raised by my mother and grandmother—both shaped by betrayal and heartbreak—I absorbed conflicting messages about men and relationships. I internalized their distrust, their caution, their strength, and their wounds.

What I didn’t realize for a long time was that I wasn’t just carrying their beliefs—I was living them.

Codependency & People-Pleasing: The Quiet Self-Abandonment

We hear these words often—codependency, people-pleasing—but what do they really mean in the context of relationships?

• Codependency is outsourcing your sense of self to another person, relying on them for validation, purpose, or emotional stability.

• People-pleasing is shape-shifting to earn love, seeking approval to feel worthy.

Both are survival responses. Both are ways we unconsciously attempt to control love so it doesn’t leave.

The Cycle of Trauma & Generational Patterns

Divorce. Abandonment. Unspoken wounds.

Many of us unknowingly replicate the same patterns we swore we’d never repeat. Not because we want to, but because they were wired into us before we ever had a choice.

I watched my mother engage in tumultuous relationships. I absorbed the chaos as normal. And without realizing it, I played out similar dynamics in my own relationships, recreating the push-and-pull of longing and avoidance, chasing safety in instability.

It wasn’t until I looked back with awareness that I saw it clearly, I wasn’t just choosing relationships. I was choosing what felt familiar.

Attachment Styles: Understanding Our Love Blueprint

Secure. Avoidant. Anxious.

Attachment styles shape how we connect and what we fear most in love. Unfortunately, secure attachment, the ability to love with balance, trust, and emotional safety, is something many of us have had to learn later in life.

For me, my mother exhibited avoidant tendencies, and that directly impacted my own fears around abandonment. I saw love as something that could leave at any moment, and that belief bled into every connection I had.

Until I decided to rewrite it.

Healing Begins With Awareness

Healing isn’t about blaming our past. It’s about understanding it so we can meet our own needs rather than unconsciously seeking them from others.

For so long, I entered relationships looking for something I hadn’t given myself. Security. Worth. Love.

True healing began when I asked myself:

What do I believe love should feel like?

Where did I learn that belief?

Is it actually mine, or was it given to me?

Self-Love as the Foundation of Every Relationship

We are conditioned to focus on what we need to do to be lovable. But real transformation happens when we shift the question from “How can I be loved?” to “How can I love myself?”

When we love and value ourselves:

✨ We stop begging for breadcrumbs.

✨ We set boundaries without guilt.

✨ We attract connections that mirror our worth instead of our wounds.

And boundaries? They aren’t walls. They aren’t ultimatums. They are sacred invitations that say, “I love myself enough to honor my space.”

Recognizing & Healing Core Wounds

Every pattern has a root.

Abandonment. Neglect. Feeling unseen. Feeling unworthy.

When we identify where our wounds originated, we can meet them with love instead of projecting them onto our relationships. We stop using love as a way to fill something and start using it as a way to expand something.

Moving Forward with Self-Love & Sovereignty

True transformation in relationships isn’t about making a list of what we want in a partner. It’s about becoming the version of ourselves that naturally attracts love rooted in truth.

It’s not about finding “the one.”

It’s about being the one, so that love, when it comes, is a reflection of the wholeness we already embody.

Practical Tools for Relationship Healing

Healing relational patterns isn’t something we do overnight. It’s an unfolding—a process of peeling back layers, bringing compassion to the spaces we once judged, and learning to hold ourselves the way we’ve longed for others to hold us.

If this resonates, I invite you to go deeper:

📖 Blueprint to the Heart: A Sovereign Healing Journey is more than a book—it’s a guide to rewriting the way you experience love, boundaries, and self-worth. It’s filled with insights, exercises, and reflections to help you move from patterns of wounding to patterns of sovereignty. Get your copy here.

🎙 One-on-One Voice Note Support – Sometimes, having a space to process, ask questions, and receive intuitive guidance is exactly what’s needed. If you feel called to deeper support in navigating your patterns, you can explore my personalized guidance in your pocket here.

✨ Personalized Tarot & Oracle Readings – If you’re seeking clarity on your journey, my readings offer intuitive insight and reflection to support your path. You can explore this offering here.

Wherever you are in your journey, know this: You are already whole. You are already worthy. The work isn’t about becoming—it’s about remembering.

Affirmations for Relationship Healing

I speak my truth with love and clarity.

I honor my needs and desires without guilt.

I set boundaries with confidence and ease.

I trust the universe to align me with love that reflects my worth.

I release relationships that no longer serve my highest good.

Next Steps: Connecting with Your Inner Child

Our next chapter will explore inner child healing, diving deeper into the wounds that shaped us and the love that will free us.

Healing your relationship patterns is not about control. It’s about awareness. It’s about standing at the center of your own being and choosing—from love, not fear.

Because real love, Is not found. It’s remembered.

In love with the process,✨ Elaine

🔗 Get your copy of Blueprint to the Heart here