I don't know how to love my body if it is not perfect.
I thought that I have loved my body, I honored it in the way that I knew how at the time; however, with most things, it wasn't until I experienced the duality, the loss of my body functions, that I was able to see that I was masking myself in exercise.
I must admit, I have not had weight issues. So what I experience is a deep distortion in the value of beauty and the body. I do feel that this also gives thought that people, even if we think that they "don't have those problems," it's not true.
I do realize that me exploring this subject out loud may seem ridiculous to some, and that is also okay because my message is that it doesn't matter what you look like; the way you perceive yourself is what matters. I got so sick of looking in the mirror and feeling grossed out by my aging body and face. I have used so many things that gave me an illusion of beauty that when I looked at filtered or adjusted pictures, I couldn't stand the lie anymore.
I want to know what it is like to love my body without outside compliments (which no longer feel good to me).
I stopped exercising to be fit, but rather am learning new ways to move my body because I hid behind exercise and being fit for so long. My question that keeps on repeating is, "What if I couldn't work out anymore?" I looked at all the ways I sought validation: selfies, exercise, my makeup, shaving, how I did or didn't do my hair, what I wore or what I chose not to wear!
I stripped this all and became curious with all of the "gross" skin, stretch marks, cellulite, flabby, wrinkly, uneven skin tone... What do those things mean to me? Are they an imposed sense of beauty, or am I really finding disgust in areas that I haven't emotionally explored?
I don't have any insights on this yet, but what I do have is a conscious deep awareness of the voices that tell me I am not beautiful. What I do know is that with all things, I become curious with compassion, and I will learn to embrace the whole being of myself.
I know I have a distorted sense of my physical body, and I am learning to uncover what that is really about because I know that what I see and what I think about what I see are "off" from reality. It seems that now I have a very secure inner working and trust in everything that happens within and without me, but the body is one of the last things to "get brought up." What I mean is that if I would have attempted to look at my distorted perception of self any earlier, I would have not been as willing to look at things from such a naked point (pun intended). I have held onto my looks as a whole identity; it gave me a sense of purpose at one point. And so now, dismantling this part of my identity needs a secure inner world.
A question that I leave you with today: "How would you feel about yourself if all the physical things were stripped away?
What would you feel about myself then?"
Sending Infinite Love,
Elaine