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Sell Out

How many people would openly say that they have used their bodies to get what they want? Is this something that has become so accustomed in society that we don't even really think about what this means? In High School, I learned that I could seduce guys even guys outside of high school age, and get what I wanted...And this gave me power, and validation, I also felt, that if I would use guys first before they used me, I was just hurting myself. I was drawing myself further and further into depression and I didn't know where it came from. I started Drinking a belligerent amount after high school and soon became addicted to everything and anything. The only thing I wanted at the core of this was to love and be loved. There was this gaping hole in my heart and I had no clue how to solve this. Drugs and alcohol worked and then they didn't. There had been things that I had been ashamed to speak of for so long and I understand that a lot of us have had these fears of telling people what we have done to get what we felt we needed at this time, and how I see it now is that we have been robbing ourselves of connection. the things that we keep hidden are the exact things that build judgments and anger. The things that we feel need to go to the grave with us are the exact things that get us in the grave faster. If we are being inauthentic to ourselves and not able to admit to such hurts, this breeds disEase, a disconnect from our hearts vibrations, cause while we think that we are successfully hiding things from people, our body and our mind will undoubtedly know and show us. What I have learned through the illusion of "getting away with things" is that I was harming and sacrificing my heart and my body, just to try and stay clear of judgments from others. And this is just one form of abandoning ourselves. We shy away from honesty, in fear of what other people will think therefore sacrificing our whole connection to life and in life. There are so many ways this shows up in society- whether that be through people pleasing, or saying yes when you don't want to. Going places you don't want to, speaking untruths to others to not hurt their feelings, or keeping quiet cause you don't want to rock the boat, not sharing with people what is going on in your life because you feel like a burden, not asking for help because you don't want to put people out of their way- not accepting help because its too much for the other person...and the list goes on. With every choice you make or don't make- allow time to reflect, is this aligned with my heart or my mind? Am I doing this because I don't want other people to feel a certain way...I feel there are a lot more choices that we make where you are doing things for others that you don't want to do but feel obligated in some way- it all begins within you. Awareness is the first step.

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