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Desperately Wanting Change: Uncharted Territories

I bring up the past often, not because it defines me, not because I live in the past, or I hold on to things from the past. The past is our teacher. This is how we learn how to change behaviors that are not serving our true heart. Many people have this thought process of “I just won't do it again”—and some people might be able to do just that. However, there is still a reason why the hurtful behavior started in the first place—what is it covering up? What was being met by having this behavior?

When I started unraveling my patterns, this is what this looked like for me. I had to look at where most of my anger came from—my family.

My mother was my central focus. I started looking at the beliefs of the thought patterns that kept cycling through for me—and had to see how my Mom was raised.

A lot of my hurtful patterns were based around—men, feeling unworthy, but yet using them and desperately wanting their approval. So I looked at my Mom's patterns—Where did she learn this? Well, My Grandma, who divorced my grandpa from repeated affairs which continued, on verbal attacking all men, and lived in a very angry world. My Grandpa was never around for any of his family and so My Mom, like I, had this mixed signal of desperately seeking approval, yet not genuinely making connections.

I learned compassion for my Mom—I learned that her brother was pretty abusive, but because of that generation it wasn’t looked at that way—it was considered sibling rivalry. I mean this brings in layers of not being heard, even if you spoke up, staying quiet, just taking it, learning to fight tooth and nail for what is yours and learning to defend yourself. My Mom was never NOT in survival mode.

Then My grandma—she was the baby of the 12 kids, on a farm. Her parents immigrated from Czechoslovakia, to the middle of nowhere Wisconsin. I have only heard stories—so I just imagine what this was like.

This was a time where it was only about surviving. Emotions were taught as a hindrance. I mean at the time of the war, you didn’t have time to feel, emotions would slow you down and get you killed.

There were no options for families, no one knew what emotional fulfillment meant. We were taught the American Dream because that is what other generations were trying to do while everything was in chaos. Back then being married and having children and sex was for survival, it was purely for the connection of the tribe to maintain lifeforce energy. What they were experiencing at that time makes sense.

I dived into all of this—all the stigmas that approached each decade to see what my family experienced that was continually shunned and hidden. Alcoholism, Divorce, Affairs, Low income. Back then this was completely appalling, and my family was in every way in the stigmatized of society.

I began to see patterns unravel. I began to see weights lifted. I began to have compassion. I saw my Grandma's little girl, My Mom's little girl, and then there I was.

All generations of emotionally unfit girls just wanting love at the core of all our actions. I saw my Grandma's little girl probably lost in the chaos of the kids and farm world never to receive attention from Mother but the love from her sisters. I saw my Mom's little girl, wanting to be loved and played with by her brother and her Mom not being so angry at the existence of the kids and her Dad.

I saw the choices we made from the point of not knowing how to meet those needs because we were not taught, because it was not a value in society.

So I insist that we MUST look to the past to connect the dots. Not to blame or shame but to recognize we are “not f***ed up” and to see how this has evolved. There is a tremendous amount of healing uncovered when you go to these uncharted territories. It literally opens up a whole new lens for the healing process.

Yes, this takes time.

No, it's not easy.

And it is something your ancestors will thank you for.

And something that will make your life fulfilling.


Here is the literal Blueprint I had made to discover the influences of my family tree and how to dissect what was my values and what was old generations values-

This is a dimensional healing process and this allows for space and for depth- for lasting change

Self guided healing mini-course aims to explore the profound influence of world events on belief systems and how they shape our values. By delving into historical events, participants will gain insights into the origins of their own belief systems and learn strategies to identify and overcome limiting beliefs. Through an authentic and inquisitive approach, the course will emphasize the importance of Radical Self-Love as a transformative tool for personal growth


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